vineri, 8 februarie 2013


[So if you ever... ]

There`s this thing, this thing about me, that you guys need to know.

I`ve been missing myself for a while now.. and I couldn`t quite figure out what it was that was missing from my “happiness recipe”.

At first I foolishly wanted to find out what love was.. you know, the passionate about someone-kind of love.
Then I sort of found out and now I was thinking that I miss “having” it.

But, eventually, I`ve come to understand, that it is not the love received what I was missing, it`s the enormous amount of love I have stored and I can barely show, or give to someone else,.. anyone or anything.

And I mean the love for music, the love for knowledge, the love for poetry and deep discussions during late hours of the night, I mean the love for just walking around the streets and looking at buildings, people passing by and the sky and feeling everything, living through all of it.

I barely have or find people to share all that with, and so I must keep that kind of love bottled up.

I also used to love someone. Passionately. Truly. And that love made me feel so right, so good at anything I was doing, so strong, so powerful, so kind, so focused, so delighted, so attached to everything. I felt like I was more in touch with myself than I ever was.

I used to think I could do the unthinkable for what I believed in. This kind of force is amazing and inexplicable. It`s magic.

And it was THAT kind of feeling that got me attached to this “someone” in spite of all the odds that life could bring. It made me feel like it didn`t matter if he could turn old, or get fat, or slim down, or loose an arm, or something.. He was perfect for me. It felt like there was no other place or time that I would rather be in.

And that kind of love showed me the world in different shapes, colors, different sounds.

I loved so patiently, so understanding, so faithfully, so honestly, so forgiving -it made me the best version of myself. I loved the hands with the `artist` fingers, I loved the arms with the “fluffyness”, I loved the strong chest that gave me “close access” to the heart beats, I loved the always-tired, intimidating blue-greenish eyes, I loved the rough and strong yet soft-a-touch skin. I loved the thick voice with the wise words and the kind-funny thoughts, I loved the semi-curly hair . I loved.. -and that was just an image in my head.

But hey, you know what that is? That in a whole, is a feeling of well-being, of peace!
I was looking desperately for that in everything around me, because I was looking for myself.

[I still am.]

So if you ever experience this kind of loving feeling not only about the significant other, but about yourself and the whole world, it means you love the way you are like that, you actually find the love for yourself, so try to never loose it. It`s so important! Never waste what you are, or what you know you can be! I WILL NOT.

Yours truly.

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